polio stories
Articles by Sharman Collins

"I Searched and Found"
"The Four A.M. Fears"
"Making Changes"
"Will The Real Sharman Collins Please Stand Up?"
"Insights"
"Where Do I Find Comfort and Peace?"
"Making Changes"
"Positive Approach to Better Health"
"My Quality of Life"
"Pressing On"
"How I Found Peace"

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I Searched and Found
November, 1994

When first diagnosed with post-polio in January of 1991, I felt overwhelmed with the enormity of the changes facing me. "How bad was this going to get? Would I still 'fit in' with my family and friends? How could anyone cope with inevitable losses of bodily functions and still enjoy life?" As the mother of four active sons and the wife of an athletic husband, favorite activities for years included cycling, skiing, weight lifting, aerobics, etc. How could the body that had served me so well betray me and in such a terrifying and unpredictable way? I desperately wanted to meet someone else who was dealing with these same problems. I wanted to see if they had any of the answers!

No support group existed in Spokane at that time. I began to search for information. I wanted to know everything I could possibly find out about the changes occurring in by body. I amassed a small library of articles from major research centers. I put an article in the local newspaper and had 150 calls from other people who had PPS. The support group first met in June of 1991.

I also began a spiritual search. I read every self-help book I could find. I imagined lying on sun-drenched beaches while I grew new nerve cells. Conquering this illness had to be mind over matter! By August of 1991, I was seriously depressed; not coping well at all. I had never experienced a problem that I had not conquered by my own efforts. All this time, my post-polio symptoms rapidly worsened. I was having problems with every part of my body. Walking was becoming a nightmare of counting steps from one place to another. Every night I felt pure torture of painful cramping muscles and frightening twitches that meant more nerves were dying. I began to feel isolated from my family and friends; I couldn't participate in their activities. I felt alone. No one seemed to understand my increasing desperation.

About this time I met someone in the support group whose past experiences intrigued me. She had led an unbelievably adventurous life in spite of physical problems from her original polio. And now, she had to give it all up. At the first support group meeting that she attended, she talked about joy and grief existing side by side in her life. I wanted to know more. Experiencing a lot of grief, I wanted to find joy in my life. I didn't even know what questions to ask her. I had grown up believing in God -- but I viewed him as a benevolent father-figure, one that didn't have a lot of interest in the lives of individual people.

A few months later, I asked her to write a personal polio history for the newsletter. She told me that she would have to talk about the central relationship of her life -- her relationship with Christ! Absolutely mystified -- I pondered the meaning of this. It took me several more months to get up the courage to even talk to her about it.

That was about two and one-half years ago. I now know what it means to love Jesus Christ and to accept the love He so freely and mercifully offers me. He loves me for who I am now -- whether I can walk, sit up or function in any capacity at all. And all I had to do was accept him into my life. He comforts me in my affliction -- He gives me the grace to go on in spite of increasing problems. And he enables me to comfort others who suffer the same post-polio problems that I do.

As it says in the Bible, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." (2Corinthians 1:3-5)

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The Four A.M. Fears
January, 1995

I frequently wake up around 4 a.m. By then, my pain pills have worn off, and various parts of my body ache, cramp, and twitch. The reality of facing another day of coping with post-polio hits me hard.

Fear is a part of the reality. Losing more strength can be a threat to my ability to even get out of bed in the morning. Having to ask for more and more help from my family changes my own and their perception of my role in the family. Losing that very basic identity as a wife and mom causes a feeling close to panic in me. Do I tell my family the truth about my increasing pain and weakness and thereby take the risk that they will not include me in any of their activities? They are the ones that have to make the choice to change their plans to include me. My body has become my dictator -- demanding more and more of my life and excluding me from decisions.

These fearful thoughts race my mind and color my perceptions. It takes all the discipline I can muster to reach out and grab the only hope I have. The Lord reaches down to me with a loving hand and pulls me out of my four a.m. despair. He promises to give me rest from my tortured thoughts.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew
11:28)

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, the Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." (Lamentations 3:21-24)

I don't know why He is allowing all these changes in my life, and I don't need to know. He has promised . . .

"that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)

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Making Changes
March, 1995

After a year-long struggle with increasing pain, fatigue and weakness, I succumbed to my need for a scooter.

Walking down the hill to get the mail and then up again had become impossible. Christmas shopping was a nightmare and caused me too lose more strength. My husband and I went on vacation in the spring of 1992. Of course, I refused to ride in a wheelchair in the airport. And when we arrived, I was dismayed to find out that our hotel was so large that the walk from our room to the pool left me completely exhausted and in pain. When we returned home, my legs were weaker and I could no longer go to the grocery store.

Desperately wanting to get out of the house, I ordered a scooter. What a feeling of freedom! Once again, I could feel the wind in my face. It wasn't the same thrill as riding my bicycle down a steep hill, but at least I was outside. And a friend and I spent many hours riding down logging trails and getting stuck on logs and in ruts. What fun! I once again felt connected to the human race. The laughter and freedom were back.

However, dealing with being visibly disabled overwhelmed me then and still does at times. Somehow, sitting on a scooter or wheelchair makes you invisible. Acquaintances avoid making eye contact. Sales persons rarely volunteer their help. Even close friends do not understand how I can look so normal and yet be so weak. I have lost some friends. They are just not able to talk about what has happened to me. Somehow, I have become to them not a person who has roblems but a person who is a problem.

I have learned different coping techniques. Making extra effort to make eye contact and to smile at people lets them know it is OK for them to talk to me. This works some of the time -- but most people are extremely uncomfortable around people with disabilities. Redefining my own self worth based not on what I can do but on who I am is essential. I need to see myself as a worthwhile person. I no longer have the beauty-queen-jock-supermom image, but I do have a valuable contribution to make. My worth is based on my knowledge of the value the Lord places on me. I am one of His children and He promises to help me. "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear; I will help you." (Ps 41:13) I pray before I back my scooter out of my van that He will help me to smile and be extra-friendly. And He does help me. I also pray that He will send some special person along side of me who will feel comfortable talking to me. And that happens quite frequently.

My Coug Mom sticker on the back of my scooter is a conversation starter. And my Polio Outreach sticker lets people know that I am dealing with something related to polio. Hopefully, they will ask questions. If I am in an especially nerve-wracking situation -- I will use humor. Sometimes I see myself hopping on my Harley and riding away at a high speed. Or maybe jumping on a mighty steed and galloping away. My scooter looks great in my mind with a hundred helium balloons tied on -- and there I go, floating gently upward.

My scooter has opened doors for me that would otherwise be tightly closed. It helps me make the best out of one of life's most difficult circumstances.

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Will the Real Sharman Collins Please Stand Up?
July, 1995

Dealing with post-polio syndrome forces me to reexamine my definition of who I am. The quality of my day used to depend on how manny "tasks" I had accomplished. It was a "good" day if the house was clean, a gourmet dinner was on the table, and there were cookies in the cupboard. I also expected to be able to ride my bike at least 20 miles daily and lift weights for an hour three times a week. Plus, my grand piano waited for me every day between 4:00 and 5:00. And, in the evening, I would "watch" TV with my family while I busily knitted sweaters and sewed my own clothing. I loved being involved with the activities of my athletic husband and four sons. My identity revolved around what I could do and how well I could do it.

Self-esteem. Quality of life. Buzzwords of the 90's. What happened to my self-esteem and quality of life when all these "accomplishments" and "activities" were ripped from my life by post-polio? My yardstick by which I measured my "worth" was broken to pieces.

Wave after wave of agonizing "giving-up" of loved hobbies, sports, and activities left me feeling empty and barren. Eventually, I found new avenues of expression and productivity. Not based so much on doing, but on being. My faith that the Lord's plan is to use me in some way to exhibit his strength even in my weakness keeps me reaching out to grasp what life offers.

Having post-polio, I don't know what new physical problems I am going to have to cope with next. Losing the ability to ride a bike or to ski is a loss. But, losing the ability to walk, sit-up, stay alert, and breathe sufficiently on one's own are catastrophic occurrences that demand total dependence on the Lord's control and will. I can trust that He is in charge and, in some way, He will use my life to serve His purposes. I can still be productive. But, it is His definition of productive, not society's and not always mine. The Lord knows who the real me is, even when I don't.

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him, He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends our its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

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Insights
January, 1996

He asked, "Mom, what do you miss the most from before, you know, when you didn't have post-polio syndrome?" I thought for a minute and replied, "Taking care of my family. I miss cooking dinners and baking oatmeal cookies. I even miss cleaning the bathrooms and sorting laundry."

I didn't appreciate the routine chores of life before post-polio took command. The sweet smell of clean clothes. A sinkful of suds and dirty dishes. I feel blessed now to be able to put a few dishes in the dishwasher before the pain takes over and makes me stop. Memories of beautiful vegetables and fruits and aisles of food to choose from elicit feelings of loss. I haven't been in a grocery store for over two years. My arms and back won't let me lift items from a shelf to a cart or even to my scooter basket. And my limited energy forbids the luxury of going withsomeone else.

I know I am fortunate to be able to afford household help to do the work I can no longer do. But, friends who comment how much they would like to tell someone else what to fix for dinner or what part of the house to clean don't understand that they have a choice. I cannot, no matter how badly I want to, vacuum the rug. And when you have no choice, it hurts. If I spill a glass of juice and try and clean it up, I know I'll pay for that movement in pain. Forced dependence on others is humiliating and requires a constant giving-up of pride.

When in junior and senior high school, I thought I was super-clutz. Being the last one picked for teams in softball, kickball, and volleyball was degrading. I can still feel the churning in my stomach when I think about the embarrassment. I just did not realize that I was weak from my original polio. I looked so normal. In college, I earned a "D" in bowling. I couldn't roll that ball down the lane. My brother and cousins waterskied in the summer. I tried and tried and never did get up on those skiis.

Once my youngest son was in pre-school, I decided it was time to "get in shape." I started with aerobics classes. Success! An athletic activity I could do! From there, I went on to jogging. When my back started to bother me, I lifted weights. And I did get strong. Strong enough to ride a bicycle 150 miles a week. Strong enough to ski every weekend all winter long with my friends and family.

Determination fueled everything I did. My success in these activities made up for all the embarrassment I felt as a kid. I loved every pedal stroke, every ski run, every thrill and spill of it. And then, crash! My body betrayed me. It just quit working. And now I miss the fun of all of the movement. The sliding, slipping, flying, freedom of movement. Speeding down a steep hill on skiis or a bike gave me a heady rush of adrenalin.

If I have learned anything from losing so much, it is to appreciate so much. The sweet smell of flowers in spring. The crunch of leaves under my scooter wheels in the fall. The sharp cracks of breaking ice over puddles in the winter. The ever-present affection of my two dogs. The chance to take a slippery ride down a waterslide. The skillful dodging of pedestrians in the mall on my scooter. Simple pleasures.

My friendships are deeper. They aren't based on shared activities as much as shared beliefs. The Lord has blessed me with profound spiritual growth and a depth of compassion for others that wasn't there before. Friends value me because I am "me" and not because of what I can do. Would I want my life to return to exactly the way it was before my body crashed with post-polio syndrome? I don't t hink so. I didn't appreciate what I had. More importantly, I didn't know what I lacked.

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Where do I Find Comfort and Peace?
August, 1996

Post-polio syndrome creates havoc in my life. My worst times of stress and pain are in the middle of the night, after my pain and sleeping medication have worn off. In my distress, I call on the Lord for comfort and peace. Psalm 23 is of great solace to me during my middle of the night sojourn with pain and panic.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want."
He takes care of me. He meets all my needs--including those for love and security.

"He makes me lie down in green pastures,"
He knows when I need to rest. And He provides a spiritual oasis --a hiding place--where I can rest in peace.

"He leads me beside quiet waters,"
He knows how to calm me. When I am still, I can hear his voice.

"He restores my soul."
He gives me peace and contentment in spite of my difficult circumstances. He fills me with songs of deliverance.

"He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake."
He directs my behavior. He desires to use me to glorify His name.

"Even though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil,for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
No matter how bad my circumstances seem, I need not be afraid, for He is always with me. He guides and disciplines me.

"You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies."
He protects me from unjust criticism and treatment. He anticipates my needs.

"You anoint my head with oil. My cup overflows."
He has marked me as his child and blessed me beyond measure. His loving care is always with me.

"Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
He has given me the grace to lead a victorious life for Him and I will be with Him for eternity.

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Making Changes
May, 1997

Over the last six years my life has changed dramatically. My diagnosis of post-polio syndrome in January of 1991 ushered in a time of rapid decline and loss of physical function. From an active and strong, capable mother-of-four, I slipped down a steep slide of deterioration. By the Spring of 1996, I was becoming increasingly weak and injury prone. A climb up a few stairs was enough to put me in bed for days with severe pain and fatigue. The walls erected around my life by my physical limitations crept closer and closer together.

During these years, you have shared with me the story of my post-polio. That story included my adjustment to using a scooter, Bi-PAP, back brace, the impact on my family and social relationships, and my spiritual search for meaning in all of this.

At times during the first year of my physical demise, I inched toward severe depression. It was then that the Lord reached down to me and pulled me up towards Him. I learned that only if I trusted Him completely and gave Him the reins of my life could I survive. He has enabled me to live with a joy grounded in Him and not in my physical self.

In the summer of 1996, I felt I really had little choice but to try every treatment option available. I traveled to Futures Unlimited, Inc., in Columbus, Mississippi, in August for a two week treatment developed by Ed Snapp, P.T. As most of you know, I have experienced a phenomenal return of physical strength and function. I returned to "Futures" for another course of therapy in February. Once again, the treatment was of great benefit.

The walls around my life imposed by post-polio syndrome are crumbling down. I have been able to resume a much more "active" lifestyle. Post-polio syndrome continues to dictate the intensity of my activities, but the scope of what I am able to do has increased dramatically. Cooking, sewing, knitting, walking, swimming, shopping, talking, sitting--all these activities are mine once again!

What excitement I feel as I walk up and down the aisles of the grocery store deciding what to prepare for dinner! How thankful I am to be able to perform these "normal" activities. I am able to spend much more time with my beloved husband and sons and daughters-in-law. And I am looking forward to holding my first grandchild in my arms--born April 16. My heart bursts with joy and gratitude!

Dealing with other's perceptions of my "normality" is once again difficult now that I no longer have the "props" of disability. Explanations of muscle weakness and short endurance are not easy for those with little knowledge of post-polio syndrome to understand. Attempting to live up to other's expectations for my behavior is futile. My choice of attitude is one of gratitude that I am able to do anything at all. I do not have to let fear of physical loss control me.

How long will this new-found strength and endurance last? I am not in control of that. I can have a sense of peace because I know that God is in control. He has a plan for my life--and if that plan includes a return to my previous state of ever-increasing weakness--He will give me the emotional and spiritual strength to accept my circumstance. I can trust Him to help me to cope with the situation as it arises.

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POSITIVE APPROACH TO BETTER HEALTH
September, 1997

Since I was diagnosed with PPS in January of 1991, I have learned a lot about how to approach health problems. When dealing with a disease such as post-polio syndrome, I feel it is a necessity to formulate your own "battle plan." I hope that sharing my plan will help you find ideas you can use. Your attitude is crucial.

FAITH - Faith that God is in control of my life is the cornerstone of my attitude. My body is subject to various diseases, injuries and assaults. God gives me the initiative and common sense I need to explore different treatment options. Ultimately, I know that the Lord will provide me with the emotional strength to withstand any circumstance that He allows in my life. But He does expect me to use the brain power He has provided me to improve my physical condition.

GATHERING RESOURCES - It is essential that you educate yourself about post-polio syndrome. Read the available literature--but do not accept the opinion that there is nothing that can be done to improve your condition. There is usually something that can be done. I believe that a sympathetic and compassionate physician is an essential asset to your health plan. He or she must be willing to listen and try new and different treatment options. Newsletters from other support groups are fantastic resources for new treatments. New York Post-Polio Connections and PPASS are among the best. Following are the treatment options that have helped me the most over the last six years.

FUTURES UNLIMITED, INC. - I went to Futures Unlimited, Inc., in August of 1996 and also in February of 1997. Since being evaluated and treated by Ed Snapp, P.T., I have regained a phenomenal amount of strength and function. My improvement in muscle strength and endurance has been steady over the last year. Futures Unlimited, Inc., offers treatment that is the closest thing to a cure that is available to us.

MASSAGE THERAPY - Frequent massage keeps muscles moving. My therapist, Nancy Lee, works on me two to three times a week. Increased circulation, reduced pain and muscle cramping, and decreased muscle tightness are a few of the many benefits of massage.

PHYSICAL THERAPY - My physical therapist, Bob Paull, identifies problem areas where I have muscle imbalances. He helps me with strengthening and/or stretching exercises, posture and gait control.

DIET - I carefully watch what I consume. Extra pounds translates to extra effort for weak muscles. A nutritionist can be a valuable resource. Two books on nutrition that have been beneficial to me are THE ZONE, and MASTERING THE ZONE by Barry Sears, Ph.D.

SUPPLEMENTS - Products that enhance cell function seem to be most promising. Mannetech Phytochemicals--especially their Plus and Mannaloe-- have helped me. Glucosamine and chondroitin sulfate has reduced my joint pain and stiffness. Tahitian Noni Juice is believed by some to help central nervous system function and has definitely improved my digestion. I find that Shaklee vitamins are easy for me to digest.

EXERCISE - Since my treatment at Futures, I am able to swim three times a week for 23 minutes. Plus, I am able to do 30 minutes of prescribed stretching and strengthening exercises daily. That is a 100% increase over a year ago.

DRUGS - Pain medications that are commonly prescribed for persons with post-polio have not worked well for me. I took prescription anti-inflammatories for two years and had severe digestive problems. I now take just small doses of ibuprofen for pain. Six years ago I began to take Eldepryl and I feel I continue to benefit from it.

FAILURE - Many of the treatments I have tried have not helped. I took part in a two-year program of electrical stimulation in Toronto, Canada, which seemed to be of very little benefit to me. I went to a chemist who attempted to "balance" my blood chemistry and thus improve my health. That made me very ill. I have tried Mestinon--and had an allergic reaction to it. My attempts at exercise before I went to Futures Unlimited caused me increased weakness. Some of these options, however, may help you. Keep your mind open and optimistic. You won't find any help if you let an attitude of complacency or fear of failure guide your behavior. Actively seek improvement.

If anyone has any questions about any of my ideas, please contact me. And I would love to hear from you about different treatments you have tried. Write a letter to the editor in care of LINK if you have ideas to share. Has anyone tried acupuncture? Or blue-green algae? Bio-magnets?

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MY QUALITY OF LIFE
July, 1998

One day last January I went cross-country skiing. It was a beautiful, sparkly winter day. What a thrill! Muscles, obeying my command to alternately contract, then extend, propelled me forward in a smooth gliding, stretching motion. My heartbeat accelerated as much from excitement as exertion. Beads of sweat popped up on my forehead. Sounds peculiar to the experience-crinkle crunch of outerwear, scraping, sliding sound of skiis against snow, the stillness of lightly falling flakes-magnified the wonder of it all. I closed my eyes and absorbed every sound and sensation.

My memory took me back to a ski trip in January 1991. My weekly ski trip to the trails at Mt. Spokane with a dear friend was coming to disappointing close. My right leg was feeling peculiarly weak and the muscles were cramping. Two weeks later, I was at the top of a difficult run at Schweitzer Mountain Ski Resort. My right leg was shaking in a frightening manner. I hurried down the hill and went to the lodge. My right arm was also shaking and weak and the cup of coffee I carried to the table felt heavy. I was filled with an ominous dread. One month later, on a day that is burned into my memory, I was told I had post-polio syndrome.

Two years later in 1993, I was an experienced scooter driver and needed to use a Bi-Pap ventilator to augment my breathing. By the spring of 1996, my strength had decreased significantly. Barely able to walk more than twenty feet, I relied on my scooter more and more. My full-torso rigid back brace held me upright as my muscles had given out. My Bi-Pap was indeed a constant companion for 11 out of the 24 hours of the day.

It was during this time of rapidly decreasing strength that I felt compelled to contact Ed Snapp at Futures Unlimited, Inc.* Attentive and encouraging on the phone, he felt he could help me. I contacted several patients he had treated, and they all gave positive reports of increased strength. After much prayer, I made all the necessary plans for the two-week treatment program. That was two years ago - August of 1996.

As most of you are aware, I have made miraculous progress in the last two years. My nerves are communicating correct messages again and I have been able to gain strength. I only use my scooter to take my dogs for long walks. No more brace, no more Bi-pap. My afternoon nap is down to one hour. Previously, I needed to employ a housekeeper for 40 hours a week as I was unable to do anything physical for my family. I now do all the cooking, the shopping and some of the housework. I am able to take care of my 14-month old grandson for half a day several times a week. I am back at the sewing machine and loving every minute of it! I am able to be more of a companion for my husband. Ken and I went to a dental society dinner dance and I whirled and twirled around the floor for about 30 minutes. What a delight! My post-polio is still there, but it doesn't dominate my every moving moment. The mental fatigue which dulled my brain is no longer there. And the feeling of running out of breath when I talk is not nearly the overwhelming
problem it once was.

During all the dramatic and catastrophic changes in my body, I went on a spiritual search. In the beginning, I desperately needed to meet others experiencing the same problems hoping someone else would have the answers on how to cope. At that time, my definition of "quality of life" meant living up to very high standards for personal performance in whatever I did. Whether it was cooking, mothering, staying physically fit and trim, managing my household of four sons and a husband, volunteering for different groups such as PTA and La Leche League, sewing, knitting, playing the piano, riding my bike, skiing, I wanted to be good at it. And when I lost the ability to perform, I was devastated. And, eventually losing even the "basic" human abilities that one takes for granted, such as walking, sitting, and breathing left me stripped of what I felt "quality of life" was all about.

But I did find out the truth. I met Jesus Christ on my long journey of loss. And now His definition of "quality of life" is mine. He loves me no matter what physical shape I am in. Whether I am flat on my back unable to breathe on my own or whether I am out on the dance floor with my husband, Christ loves me. He gives me my sense of importance and worth. He can use me for His purposes which were, are, and always will be more important than my own.

Now that I am physically so much better, friends ask me what it is like to have my "quality of life" back. The question makes me cringe even though I know the thought patterns it springs from. It is so much fun to be able to do things. My sense of accomplishment at a task completed is so rewarding. I am able to appreciate all the supposedly mundane activities of life much more now that I have regained the ability to perform them. But, physical efforts and accomplishments do not equal "quality of life." Only a personal relationship with Christ can give me that deep inside sense of fulfillment and peace. He alone gives me the strength to be content in any circumstances. When I truly trust Him with my life, I can with confidence answer any question about "quality of life."
_______________________

* Futures Unlimited Inc. is located in Columbus, Mississippi. Phone (622) 327-7333

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PRESSING ON
August, 2000

Last night, Ken and I went to dinner at the Riverside Steak House on Pend Oreille River in Priest River, Idaho. It's a "down-home" kind of restaurant. You can wear anything you want-- swimming suits to shorts to Sunday best. We drove the boat down the river, tied up to the dock, and climbed the stairs up to the restaurant. Whenever I climb stairs now, I breathe out a “thank God I can climb stairs.” I remember all too well what physical state I was in four short years ago.

After dinner, we turned the corner to go down the stairs to the boat dock and I said to Ken, "I almost turned the other way to walk to the car in the parking lot!" And he said, "I'm just glad you are walking anywhere." My husband is not the sentimental type. His comment touched my heart. I am so grateful to have enough strength to be more of an active partner to my husband and to be able to take part in more family activities. I was so tied to my bed, my respirator, and my scooter before I went to Futures Unlimited. The Lord gave me the emotional strength and comfort I needed to keep on persevering when I was too weak to do much but peck at my computer. But I am so grateful for the mercy He has extended to me. He revealed the treatment at Futures Unlimited at just the right time.

The Lord has used the difficulties I have encountered in the last ten years to accomplish a lot of good in my life. My loss of physical ability sent me on a spiritual journey that led me to a life-changing personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He has put a compassionate heart in me for others suffering from physical loss. And, I know without a doubt, that He will comfort and sustain me in any future loss I may have. He is sovereign and so lovingly compassionate.

Now that I no longer carry the trappings of disability on my person - scooter and back brace – I once again cope with expectations of others who assume I must be normal. For example, if I am able to ski three runs down Schweitzer Mountain, why can't I carry my ski boots to the car afterwards? And, if I am able to pick up my 15 lb. grandchild, why can't I baby sit for the day? My body is like the Energizer Bunny. I look the same even though my battery runs down. And I don't keep going and going and going. I have to be careful to alternate activities such as lifting, walking, and sitting.

Every afternoon I rest for about an hour. Several days a week I swim or walk for twenty minutes. I use my scooter to take the dogs for a walk if I am tired. Ken's alarm clock wakes us up at 5:15 a.m. every day he works so we go to bed very early. I feel the best if I am off my feet by about 8:00 p.m.

Having an invisible disability often results in other people misunderstanding my motives. Sometimes the people closest to me forget that I don't participate in certain activities because of my lack of energy and endurance. They mistakenly assume I don't want to take part in that activity. My husband and sons frequently play golf in the evenings. I am too tired in the evenings to go along even to watch. Many nights I prepare gourmet dinners by myself but need help to clean up because I grow too fatigued to remain on my legs. It's difficult to be misunderstood and humiliating to try to explain that I am once again too tired to do something. And, some explanations are impossible for a "normal" person to understand. If I try to explain that I am too tired to sit up any longer, I get blank looks that reveal a total lack of comprehension.

I have arrived at the conclusion that it is best to give up my need to be understood. Real security and understanding can only be found in my relationship with my Creator. He knows what I am experiencing at any time and He alone can comfort me in any disappointment over my lack of ability. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

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How I Found Peace

May, 2001

On Easter Sunday at her church, Sharman was asked to speak to the congregation about how she came to have faith in Jesus Christ. Since the reason has to do with her post-polio syndrome, you may be interested in what she said.

In January of 1991, I was diagnosed with post-polio syndrome. I had polio as a small child and except for residual weakness led a fairly normal life. Then at age 42 I began to experience PPS symptoms. Within six months, I had lost about 90% of my overall physical strength. I had gone from a very active person who participated in cycling, skiing, and jogging with my husband and four sons to someone who could not walk a block or lift more than a few pounds. I was no longer able to do any household chores, shop for groceries or cook. I was in constant pain. I spent more time in bed than out. It was terrifying to be able to feel one nerve after another in distress and then quit functioning. I felt my family would be better off without me. I felt like I had become useless to them and to everyone else. At first, I decided I would be able to think my way out of this. I read every positive-thinking book I could find--I joined a New Age Meditation group. I envisioned nerves growing back. Nothing worked. I became extremely depressed.

That Autumn the Lord sent someone special to the Polio Outreach Support Group meeting. Elinor Young, a missionary who had been in Irian Jaya, Indonesia for 18 years, was also suffering from the onset of post-polio syndrome. She had to leave Indonesia and return to Spokane. She came to my support group meeting. She told the group that while she was experiencing deep grief at the loss of her ability to function, she was able to have peace and joy because of her faith in God. I was dumbfounded. How could this be? As I got to know Elinor and watched her life, I knew I wanted what she had-- that relationship with Jesus Christ. I knew I was a sinner in desperate need of a Savior. I asked Jesus to come into my heart in May of 1992. Only Jesus could give me that love, acceptance, and forgiveness I needed when I had become so worthless in my own and the world's eyes.

The Lord taught me how to accept my physical limitations. I continued to weaken physically and spent four years using an electric scooter to get around, three years using a ventilator for breathing support for 12 out of every 24 hours, and wore a rigid full body brace to hold me upright when I was out of bed.

I learned that I had to give up my will for my life and totally depend on Him and His will for me. He taught me that I had value and worth in His eyes regardless of my lack of abilities. And that He would continue to comfort me and give me that peace and joy that I saw in my friend Elinor-- no matter how bad my circumstances became. Even if I ended up in a nursing home, the Lord would bring someone near me who needed to hear about Him. He would be with me always.

Then in the summer of 1996 the Lord led me to a clinic where I was able to get effective medical treatment.* He has restored a large percentage of my physical strength in the last five years.

The Lord has provided me with a platform to tell others with post-polio syndrome about treatment that is available--and most importantly--about my life-changing relationship with His son Jesus Christ. And He has blessed me indeed-- last October, my beloved husband of 32 years accepted Jesus Christ as his Savior.

The Lord has done a mighty work in my life. His hand has been on me.

*Futures Unlimited, Inc. in Columbus, MS

List of Sharman's stories || Main Index, "Our Own Stories"

Who Is Sharman?

Sharman contracted polio at age four in 1952. She and her husband of 29 years, Ken, have four sons; two married and two one in college. They are also proud grandparents of one-year old Kenny. All of Sharman's men are a challenge to keep up with! Sharman's post-polio began in early 1991 with a very rapid decline. She started the support group, Polio Outreach of Spokane that year. Before PPS, Sharman loved to sew, knit, do gourmet cooking, ski and ride racing bikes. At the worst of her PPS, she could do none of those. However, thanks to treatments at Futures Unlimited, Inc., Sharman is now walking, sewing, knitting and cooking again. Winter '98/'99 marked her first time skiing again in seven years! Sharman is a writer for the P.E.N. & ink newsletter.

Copyright Information:

None of the articles or photos on this page are in the public domain; permission to use them for public (profit) or private (non-profit) publication must be obtained from the author, who maintains copyright. Normally, permission for non-profit publication will be given. Please contact Sharman Collins. Private use, i.e. printing a copy for yourself, family or friends may be done without permission. If in doubt, please ask. Thank you!

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Revised: November 04, 2001.